Op-Ed

From The Desk Of: Tom Hunterson III
Phi Delta Theta House
“The Row”
Miami University
Oxford
Ohio 45056

Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton
United States Senate
476 Russell Senate Office Building
Washington, DC 20510

December 27th 2007

Dear Senator Clinton,
The other day, whilst perusing the Internet, I happened upon your advertisement on monster.com looking for (and I quote), “eager young things for eager young work”. I am such an eager young thing. But, before I proceed to extol my virtues upon you, permit me a brief word of introduction: I am Tom Hunterson III. You may recognize the name from my father, Tom Hunterson II (or Junior as we sometimes lovingly called him). He once served my grandfather, his father, on the city council of Dayton, Ohio. Now, lest you think Google has let you down, I am at pains to point out my Grandfather was not the original Tom Hunterson. To this day it remains a family mystery who was the originally monikered patriarch and, indeed, why my own father should be suffixed with such a mathematical conundrum. But by the time it was my turn for the baptismal font, Junior was insistent there be a contiguous lineage and it was easier to increment rather than to decrement. And so, here I am, a III, or three, or third without a first. But hey – we all do the best with what we are given.

You may be wondering just what on the big Man’s green earth I’m doing so far into a cover letter without having yet stated my value proposition to you and your enlightened campaign. Firstly, as you have read, my family has a long and proud history in politics, albeit at the minutiae level. But before you look downwards on such humble beginnings I respectfully point out that the United States, with the exception of those under 18, felons and the retarded, comprises of approximately 260 million voting minutiae(s). As Helen Keller (herself, severely impaired but I believe quite sound of mind) once said: “The million little things that drop into your hands, The small opportunities each day brings, He leaves us free to use or abuse, And goes unchanging along His silent way”. Substitute He for She and His for Hers, then feel “free to use or abuse” me in your desire to be President of these here United States.

No doubt you read my letterhead. Yes, it is indeed the very same University that Benjamin Harrison, our 23rd President, attended. And yes, once again, you are right in deducing I belong to the very same fraternity. I come from good stock, Senator, stock that knows its way around the political stud farm and, best yet, I’m a young Democratic colt with a glint in his eye and fire in his loins. And you, Senator, are no mare but a political filly, galloping through the halls of Our Nation’s Capitol. I stand before you, gently foaming and freshly pastured as a graduate of Political Science here at good Ole Miami U. My final thesis was entitled “Political Systems in Global Soft Fruit Production” but unfortunately and in the full interests of disclosure, was not received with the roar of approval I was expecting. It was more of an uproar but, with a winning smile and a ‘can do’ attitude I plucked a respectable 1.7 GPA delicately from the gaping jaws of certain failure. I mention this, as I say, in the interests of honesty (“The time has come for an honest government in the United States of America” - Richard Nixon, accepting his party’s nomination for President, August 8th 1968) and also because I believe winning smiles, ‘can-do’ attitudes and a fighting spirit to be the most important attributes of a campaign. Grades are for bean-counters, actions are for politicians, wouldn’t you agree?

And with that parting salvo, I eagerly await a call from your staff to arrange the transfer of my belongings from the hallowed halls of Phi Delta Theta, directly and tout de suite, to the legendary campaign HQ of our next President. Out with Bush II and in with Clinton II says Hunterson III.

Kind Regards,
Tom Hunterson III

From: wade.campbell@hillaryclinton.com
Subject: WHAT!!
Date: December 31, 2007 4:07:32 PM GMT+08:00
To: jenny.block@hillaryclinton.com

Hey Jenny On The Block,
Check out this fruitcake. Please reply with usual form letter and probably best to let Jack over at the Feds know we have a wild one. I’m sure he’d appreciate the paperwork. Oh – we didn’t post job offers on monster.com did we?

W.

P.S. Man, you must be getting tired of the whole Jenny On The Block thing by now.

P.P.S. Are you going to New Hampshire? I know a nice hotel where the bed vibrates – interested?

From: jenny.block@hillaryclinton.com
Subject: Fwd: WHAT!!
Date: December 31, 2007 4:15:32 PM GMT+08:00
To: katy.winner@hillaryclinton.com

Katy,

W’s being a f**king creep again.

Hey – send out the usual to Boozo The Third (or whatever his name is), thank him for his interest, suggest website etc etc. Oh – and ask him for a contribution but if he does fork over any money change his name in the system just in case he ends up going yippee-eye-oh on us - we shouldn’t have a paper trail. Best to delete this email too.

Do you know Jack over at the FBI? I hear his gun is pretty big.

J.B.

To Be Continued…

DaveTheGrinch is DaveTheGrinch doesn't like Christmas - that's why he's a grinch. He's also a grinch because unless he does something really quickly his world might crumble under the pressure of all the 'nice' people in it.
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