The Hunterson Effect Pt.2
By DaveTheGrinch • January 27th, 2008Previously on The Hunterson Effect.
From: big_mouth@gmail.com
Subject: Covert Ops
Date: December 31, 2007 5:15:32 PM GMT-08:00
To: dan.smalls@joinrudy2008.com
Mr Smalls,
You don’t know me. Well, actually you do but I would prefer it if you didn’t. I work for the opposition. For, um, well, let’s just call her Big H. An interesting opportunity has come my way. A live wire of such stupidity; an individual who I believe can single handedly knock Miss Bossy Britches right off her perch using nothing but his own ineptitude. I am, Mr Smalls, just about to make you an offer I believe you cannot and should not refuse.
Before my offer, my bona-fides: I understand that there’s a vibrating bed in New Hampshire and I understand that you understand, intimately, that very same bed. Your wife, she does not but that cute little intern you hired last month is no stranger to the pulsating fun that can be had for 50 cents every five minutes and HE should know because HE fed enough of YOUR quarters into the coin-box. Oh dear, I wanted that to sound all clandestine, like secret agents, but it just ended up as tawdry licentiousness – ah – but that’s politics.
Face facts, your man is a colossal liability. Not one true statement has come from his lips in ten years. Are you aware he just claimed that socialized medicine in the UK leads to twice the number of prostate cancer deaths compared to the US or that he said he added 12,000 cops in NYC but really it was only 3,600? Did you know he’s been spending the last 30 years studying Islamic terrorism? Up until recently, he didn’t know this either but he still said it on the stump. But of course you’re aware of this. What kind of campaign manager would you be if you did not yank the choke chain of your master with impunity? How hard did you yank when the Bernard Kerik situation broke? Fancy Rudy’s self-appointed Police Commissioner and nominee for Secretary of Homeland Security being had up on corruption charges. That must have stung. Personally, I think he’s unelectable but one thing’s for sure, if he does go man on (wo)man with the Big H, he’ll need more than Viagra to get excited about the day. However, if my mole performs as expected, the Big H will not make it past the American Samoa primaries (Did you know they had primaries? Me neither and we’re meant to be professionals). I am prepared to leave Mr Mayor to the whim of the electorate. As for my beef with H, that’s for another day.
What’s in it for me? Cabinetry, that’s what. Not the wooden kind but the ambitious kind. A secretary of something, your choice. You’re no slouch though and I know that you’ll very soon work out I’m a political whore. I’ll save you the brain cells, this offer has also gone out to your other opponents from both sides of the house. Highest bidder wins. I have something on everybody, double indemnity insurance if you will, caveat emptor.
So, are we on, Mr Smalls? The sordid details of my plan are not important but I guarantee results. Naturally however, you will want to keep this on the down-lo so call me on this disposable cell phone (555-2356) and we’ll arrange the details.
Yours in intrigue,
BM
From: dan.smalls@joinrudy2008.com
Subject: Re: Covert Ops
Date: December 31, 2007 5:45:32 PM GMT-08:00
To: big_mouth@gmail.com
I don’t know who you are or what you want. Do not email me again!
I’m NterestD. mEt me 2nite,
lincoln memorial. brng Dtails
Thompson Relocation Services Inc.
PO Box 57, Oxford, Ohio
Dear Mr. Hunterson,
We have been contracted by:
Campaign Headquarters of Hillary Rodham Clinton
United States Senate
476 Russell Senate Office Building
Washington, DC 20510
To relocate you and your household to the following address:
17a D St NW
Washington, DC 20510
On the following date:
If you have any questions please don’t hesitate to contact us.
Sorry to leave you the postit but the new guy you hired arrived while you were in New Hamp. I found him a desk, cell-phone and guessed you wanted him to start working on Mich. so I put him on a plane to Detroit to pow-wow with the local press. He’s a bit of a fruit cake but I guess you know what you’re doing.
Cindy.
From: reception@hillaryclinton.com
Subject: Office Cleaning
Date: January 9th 4:15:32 PM GMT-08:00
To: whole_office@hillaryclinton.com
Dear Office Mates,
Sorry for the late notice, I forgot to send this out yesterday but apparently it’s time for the monthly office cleaning. H said she would like to remind you that, “in the interests of avoiding another Watergate” (whatever that means), anything not locked in filing cabinets will be securely destroyed. This includes print-outs, post-it notes stuck to computer screens/telephones etc and H. says anything else you think should be destroyed (whatever that means - again!). The cleaners are here now (although they don’t look much like cleaners!)
whatever and thanks,
Julie (the temp on reception)
P.S. Some guy called Jack from the FB-something called for one of you. Wow – talk about a big gun. Sorry – can’t remember what/who he wanted so I thought I’d tack it on to the end of this email.
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:
CONTACT:
Tom Hunterson III
Campaign For Hillary Rodham Clinton
Hyatt Hotel
DETROIT, MI
Hillary Clinton and The Family Way
Lansing MI, January 16h 2008 - Senator Hillary Clinton today will announce her family planning strategy for the raising of families, their values and morals with our society. “We are one big family”, she will (schedule permitting) proudly declare today at a fund-raiser to be hosted by the American Democrats in Support of Democracy at the Lansing Doubletree Hotel’s Small Grand Ballroom (12.30pm - $10 a plate or whatever you can afford). The cornerstone of her policy will be reflected in her upcoming appearance on NBC’s Meet The Press: “Regardless of differences in creed or color all of our immediate family are always welcome around our dinner table.” The extension of the Clinton family to include the other Democratic candidates will be a highlight of her speech. Although her record is almost perfect and hardly needs saying, she will also put forward her views on racial tolerance within her new family unit. Senator Clinton has a long track record of being on the “right side of civil rights issues” (Barack Obama 01/14/08) and has only once hinted, and then just a little tiny inkling, at race being a factor in these closely fought primaries. In an act of solidarity with her brothers she will agree that Martin Luther King Jr is widely acknowledged as the father of the civil rights movement but would like to add as a footnote that, legally and physically it was Lyndon Baines Johnson who signed the Civil Rights Act into legislation so technically he is, if not the father, then probably a close uncle or perhaps the stepfather of the whole struggle. It is all about family she will reiterate and to prove it, Bill Clinton is also supporting his wife and brothers by calling into many African American radio talk shows this week to give big respect for Senator Obama. “You know the happenin’s, homies just yappin’.” commented the Rev. Al Sharpton.
From: wade.campbell@hillaryclinton.com
Subject: Pure F’ing genius
Date: January 17, 2008 2:10:32 PM GMT+08:00
To: jenny.block@hillaryclinton.com
Hey J-O-T-B
Who’s the genius we sent to Michigan? No, I’m serious, that guy is amazing. His press release is a stroke of the finest political engineering ever. BC is in. He was so outraged by the whole Obama thing and motivated by that press release he’s going to stump for Hillary. She doesn’t even have to turn up in South Carolina, BC is going to do it for her. Man, now Obama is going to have to run against both of ‘em. The beast with two backs. I fucking love it.
W.
P.S. Somehow we missed each other in New Hamp. Shame - that vibrating bed was calling our name.
WTF!!!
to be continued…
DaveTheGrinch is DaveTheGrinch doesn't like Christmas - that's why he's a grinch. He's also a grinch because unless he does something really quickly his world might crumble under the pressure of all the 'nice' people in it.
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