Op-Ed

Living as an American expatriate in Asia has advantages—crazy high pay, low cost of living, being taller than everyone else—but one unexpected nugget of gold to be found in Asia is the licentious use of our language.

Places that were once English colonies, like Malaysia, Singapore and Hong Kong have all been very successful in trade because their children begin studying English at a very young age. They can communicate well with most Europeans and Americans and seem worldly and a little more savvy. Because of this, Korea, Japan, China and Taiwan have deduced that they must also force English on their youth to secure a brighter future.

(A note on Chinese Deductive Reasoning: Basketball players are tall, so playing basketball will make you tall, too. Bruce Lee was short, do don’t do Kung Fu or you will be too. People truly believe this. I’m not making it up.)

Because of this, a great way for Canadians to pay off their nasty college loans (or for South Africans to just find jobs) has developed. They can all come to Asia and teach in a Bushi-Ban, or cram school.

After 9-11, the supply of Americans here shrunk, so I became a bit of a commodity. I have taught in an “American Language” School in Taipei for six years, and am still not sure what “American Language” is, as opposed to English.

The name “cram” is very appropriate for these schools, because, like a Toyota assembly line, the teacher’s job is to crank out armies of identical English speakers as quickly as possible. We cram word after word into the kids’ heads. Elementary school students in Taiwan are tested on thousands of vocabulary words. (important words for six-year-olds to know, like “Elitism” and “Minutiae”) They learn the words, their spelling and the literal Chinese translation.

Because of this, a proctologist who wants to show of his own English language skills might buy a giant sign advertising: “Dongda Hospital for Anus and Intestine Disease” or a sign may tell you that you need to “go back toward your behind” to find the restrooms.

You can imagine that whoever is making these signs has a Besta digital dictionary and is looking up words left and right. They probably don’t have time to consult with a native speaker before spending so much money on these signs. It often seems as though a new language is being created by the Besta corporation.

I have a t-shirt that professes: “Bohemian girls of Brooklyn dress to incorporate boyish in their fashion.” I don’t know what it means, but it sounds almost poetic. On the front of this same t-shirt, it says: “I am going on vacation next week. Where are you going?” A bit unusual, but grammatically OK.

Nothing really can directly translate from Chinese to English. Grammar and word usage is so different that, to learn one language it would serve you to totally forget the other. This causes total disregard from accepted rules and conventions when speaking and writing in the accepted second language.

Here, people will tell you “My home have a big wide T.V.” instead of “I have a wide screen T.V. at my house.” Knowing Chinese grammar makes it logical to have a sign that notes, “It is here prohibition against to stop.”

Keep in mind, the computer I am typing this on was made in China. IPods are made in China, too. My motorcycle was made in Japan. I have a Korean made TV, a Taiwanese Ben-Q computer monitor and, even, Converse All-Star knock-offs that were made in Thailand. East Asia has been slowly conquering the world.

Even ketchup, arguably the very basis of American cuisine, was invented in China. How is that for losing your bearings in translation?!?

One day soon, if it hasn’t happened already, English (not Esperanto) will be the universal second language that everyone gets just a little wrong but understands, and proper, correct speaking and writing will all be considered licentious.

Ed Eibel is Ed Eibel has written for Seattle Dining.com, Sound Rider and Sounds of Seattle. He engineered the live music show, The Live Room, on KEXP in Seattle for three years before moving to Asia. He now is desperate for opportunities to speak in English and is happy to share with you the insight into the Western World he has gained while not living in it. First off, traditional Asian toilets suck. Otherwise, it's the end of the world as we know it.
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