Taiwan elected just its fourth president since martial law was lifted in the late 80’s by Chiang Lin-guo. Chiang Lin-guo’s father, Chiang Kai-sheck was a dictator of the Republic of China for much of the twentieth century and has left a very confusing legacy for China and Taiwan. The rest of the world kind of ignores the situation hoping it will go away.

The Republic of China was began in 1911 in China by Sun Yat-sen. He promoted democracy and an end to dynasties. His two protégés, Mao Ze-dong and Chiang Kai-sheck never agreed what the future of China should be like.

Chiang Kai-sheck, the self-titled the Generalissimo, was the president of China during World War II. The Japanese overran China. The infamous Nan Jing massacre took place at this time.

After World War II, Japan gave Taiwan and other lands back to The Republic of China, but a civil war broke out. Chiang Kai-sheck brought his party, the KMT and his government, The Republic of China, to Taiwan. He said that he ruled all of China, however, the mainland didn’t listen to him very well. He began martial law and was supported by the U.S. In fact, a major avenue in Taipei was named after Franklin D. Roosevelt because of the American contributions to Taiwan.

Mao Ze-dong’s People’s Republic of China began their communist rule on the mainland, naming Bei Jing as the capitol. Chairman Mao claimed that he ruled all of China, including Taiwan.

This was the beginning of the bizarre squabble that still exists to this day.

The current lame duck president of Taiwan, Chen Shui-bien, is the first non-KMT leader Taiwan has had since the Japanese left in 1945. His party, the DPP, is very forthright about Taiwanese independence. They do not claim to rule mainland, but they do claim that a nation, named Taiwan, exists and should be accepted as such by the rest of the world.

China has over a thousand missiles pointed at the Island of Taiwan that say otherwise. They say that Taiwan should not dally with this crazy idea of independence. Since Chen Shui-bien’s election and subsequent reelection, there has been much saber rattling and posturing on both sides of the Taiwan Straight.

In the meantime, China has pressured almost all other nations to stop recognizing Taiwan as a country. They have pressured the UN, WHO and WTO to not even consider allowing Taiwan entry. (The WTO did accept Taiwan, but only after they admitted China as well.) Taiwan’s economy has suffered drastically from this.

The winner of last weekend’s election was Ma Ying-jeou. Harvard educated, like G. W. Bush; A member of the KMT, like Chiang Kai-sheck; and pro-relations with mainland China.

A stunning majority of Taiwan is rejoicing with the election, believing that economic good times are just around the corner. No matter who was to win, the future is curiously cloudy between the two Chinas.

I love reading your website. I learn so much about stuff. I print it out and read it for my ma so she can enjoy it too.

I have one problem. You use too many big words. You all should be more like Reader’s Digest and use good English that we all can read easy like watching Dr. Phil on T.V. Please, for the love of Jesus, think of the children and other lesser people in the world and use smaller words.

May I suggest such excellent words as: corn-pone or impeachment.

Thank you and god bless.

A Proud American

Dear Op-ed editors,

In regard to last month’s informative article about bad translation, I want it duly noted that, in fact, all anuses need proper examining and it only logical that this it properly advertised in China.

What do you think they examine at the Mayo Clinic? Mayonnaise? Or how many bathrooms are there at Johns Hopkins that they use the plural of John? This is misleading and, in fact, false advertising.

I am just happy that they have begun to celebrate Mardi Gras in Tibet and are proud to show use their tits.

Grievous Grammarian

To Op-Ed Magazine, Legal Department:

This is your first notice to remove all references and the likeness of The Grinch, Dr. Seuss and Christmas from your site immediately. These are all copyrighted trademarks of The Time-Warner Company and the Masonic Temple Rights Temple of Hoboken, New Jersey. Do not cross us. You remember what happened to Kennedy, don’t you?

Danforth J. Quail, Attorney at Law

Op-Ed:

This a quick shout out for our troops in Iraq! May they eradicate the infidels from our lands and bring forth the destruction of the illegal state of Israel. We will force McDonalds to only serve al halal meat products and inspire Penthouse magazine to only print risqué portraits of our beautiful camels!

Sayed Jafar

PS. Why didn’t that Paula Abdul start singing sooner? She’s got a great future in music.

I was coloring in my Hannah Montana coloring book when I found out. Ronnie, this boy who is kind of cute but he picks his nose and rubs it in his hair, announced it. Brooke Williams in the third grade said she could hear the cheers down the hall. They were cheers of joy, but they were not mine.

Billy had a note from his mom that said it was poison ivy. He rode to school on the bus with the other kids. He even had some story about going on a family picnic in the woods. He was collecting dog poo on a stick when he noticed the shiny green leaves around his feet. This is what he told us, but we knew he was a big fat liar.

His mom even gave him a bottle of Benedryl and asked the teacher to rub it on the sores during lunch, before we went outside for recess. The teacher looked angry like my mommy had when daddy called for bail money last Sunday. Then, it hit me:

Billy Hornwinkle is the son of our family doctor, Dr. Hornwinkle. He’s a nice enough man, but he needs to get new coloring books for his waiting room. I mean, The Teletubbies are for babies.

I had to know for sure, so I walked over to sharpen my pencil over the garbage can next Mrs. Oster’s desk. I peeked and could see the signature out of the corner of my eye. Billy’s note was signed by his dad. It was all a sham!

The class was overjoyed. All through pre-school and kindergarten, they had dodged the red marks and popping blisters. There were no outbreaks for them. They all took turns breathing in the infected air around Billy Hornwinkle’s scarred belly. They kissed the soft, seeping scabs on his cheeks, saying thank you. They were making plans for all of the glorious playdates while they missed school with the pox.

What about me? Last summer, I was at the beach in New Jersey with my cousin, Ashley when she had it. Her mom was with the life guard at our hotel. Her daddy was away on business. My mom wouldn’t let me swim for two weeks. I cried all August until my skin cleared up as summer vacation ended.

I know that missing a few weeks for chicken pox is antithetical to my overall education, but you have to take whatever vacation you can when you can or the other kids will think you belong in one of those special classes.

Now, all of the Brandi Goldthwaites and Timmy Johnstons will be without homework and silent reading. They will not attempt math minutes or eat stale French fries in the gym at lunch time. They all look so happy, thanking Billy Hornwinkle for his suffering.

My daddy says that once I have chicken pox once, I can’t get it again. So, I’m not scooping the juice from his pox-covered belly button and lapping it up like the icing spoon when my mom makes cup cakes. I’m nearly in tears. I will be a social outcast for the remainder of my first grade year.

The next time we have a family get together, I’m going to smack that bitch, Ashley up side the head and tell everyone that Mr. Oster used to give her secret classes in his car after school. That’ll show her.

Places that were once English colonies, like Malaysia, Singapore and Hong Kong have all been very successful in trade because their children begin studying English at a very young age. They can communicate well with most Europeans and Americans and seem worldly and a little more savvy. Because of this, Korea, Japan, China and Taiwan have deduced that they must also force English on their youth to secure a brighter future.

(A note on Chinese Deductive Reasoning: Basketball players are tall, so playing basketball will make you tall, too. Bruce Lee was short, do don’t do Kung Fu or you will be too. People truly believe this. I’m not making it up.)

Because of this, a great way for Canadians to pay off their nasty college loans (or for South Africans to just find jobs) has developed. They can all come to Asia and teach in a Bushi-Ban, or cram school.

After 9-11, the supply of Americans here shrunk, so I became a bit of a commodity. I have taught in an “American Language” School in Taipei for six years, and am still not sure what “American Language” is, as opposed to English.

The name “cram” is very appropriate for these schools, because, like a Toyota assembly line, the teacher’s job is to crank out armies of identical English speakers as quickly as possible. We cram word after word into the kids’ heads. Elementary school students in Taiwan are tested on thousands of vocabulary words. (important words for six-year-olds to know, like “Elitism” and “Minutiae”) They learn the words, their spelling and the literal Chinese translation.

Because of this, a proctologist who wants to show of his own English language skills might buy a giant sign advertising: “Dongda Hospital for Anus and Intestine Disease” or a sign may tell you that you need to “go back toward your behind” to find the restrooms.

You can imagine that whoever is making these signs has a Besta digital dictionary and is looking up words left and right. They probably don’t have time to consult with a native speaker before spending so much money on these signs. It often seems as though a new language is being created by the Besta corporation.

I have a t-shirt that professes: “Bohemian girls of Brooklyn dress to incorporate boyish in their fashion.” I don’t know what it means, but it sounds almost poetic. On the front of this same t-shirt, it says: “I am going on vacation next week. Where are you going?” A bit unusual, but grammatically OK.

Nothing really can directly translate from Chinese to English. Grammar and word usage is so different that, to learn one language it would serve you to totally forget the other. This causes total disregard from accepted rules and conventions when speaking and writing in the accepted second language.

Here, people will tell you “My home have a big wide T.V.” instead of “I have a wide screen T.V. at my house.” Knowing Chinese grammar makes it logical to have a sign that notes, “It is here prohibition against to stop.”

Keep in mind, the computer I am typing this on was made in China. IPods are made in China, too. My motorcycle was made in Japan. I have a Korean made TV, a Taiwanese Ben-Q computer monitor and, even, Converse All-Star knock-offs that were made in Thailand. East Asia has been slowly conquering the world.

Even ketchup, arguably the very basis of American cuisine, was invented in China. How is that for losing your bearings in translation?!?

One day soon, if it hasn’t happened already, English (not Esperanto) will be the universal second language that everyone gets just a little wrong but understands, and proper, correct speaking and writing will all be considered licentious.

In the fourteen years since Prozac was introduced, the anti-depression market generates 12 billion US Dollars annually. What major social changes have cause this acceptance of depression as a common illness, like the flu or a cold?

Minutiae—that’s what.

Rapid technological developments have inspired uncontrollable social change. Marketers have convinced people that they cannot live without iPods or SUV’s or Facebook accounts. We no longer give each other distinct meeting places or times because we all have cell phones. There are less secretaries out there because they have been replaced by PDA’s and desktop publishing.

Therein lies the rub. Our meager human faculties, by their nature, are imperfect. And, because of digital technology, perfection is required to maintain employment in the information age. Perfection, of course, meaning attention to minutiae, is now essential to our survival.

During the industrial revolution, people developed their professional personalities to deal with coworkers and managers, and spouses and children. This began questions about identity. Doctors researched the meanings of personality and intelligence and emotions. A whole science was born: psychology.

The logical next step is that, for people to use psychology as a crutch to solve personal problems. Ideas of “normal” and “acceptable” were established. People desire success, so they desire to be acceptable and adhere to norms, no matter what is really in their heads. In turn, behavioral drugs were developed, valium prescribed and labels placed on people from childhood.

The next socio-economic age, The Information Age, has been characterized by the importance of managing, organizing and presenting information (thus the name, information age). We are required to manage minute bits of information and follow a myriad of instructions on a daily basis. One line of code wrong, one bit of text off, and we are working overtime and missing out on personal time. We wear many more faces then a nineteenth century factory worker could dream of.

We have our Facebook pages. Our YouTube videos. We blog and we post pictures on Snapfish. We keep in touch with old friends and distant relatives using Skype. Millions of advertisements are in our emailboxes, physical mailboxes and on walls, TV screens—anywhere our eyes look. Our social circles are larger. Our headphones blot out reality so we lose the ability to deal with the big picture of our lives. How depressing!

We are missing our humanness for the minutiae. I think I need a beer. . .and a Prozac.